


Conversations From Avengers Tower

by RavenpuffWrites



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: F/M, Gen, Incorrect Quotes/Chat fic, M/M, Multi, No Plot/Plotless, just random ideas i've had that i decided needed to go somewhere, that's literally it - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-29
Updated: 2019-10-10
Packaged: 2020-03-29 12:59:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 56
Words: 5,973
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19020418
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RavenpuffWrites/pseuds/RavenpuffWrites
Summary: Little snippets of dialogue I’ve thought of along with some incorrect quotes that may or may not be turned into full stories. Not in order, but they are for the most part all connected. Companion to Had To Have High Hopes and Let The Sun Come Streaming In series.





	1. There’s two types of friends:

_ PB N J Group Chat _

Peter: I will die before I come out to anyone on my own free will 

**Ned:** Peter's n o

**MJ:** Then perish

**Peter:** well alright

**Peter:** guess i'll die 

**Ned:** P e t e r n o


	2. Can I get in ‘F’ in chat?

_ In the Avengers group chat _

**Tony:** @Steve or @Bucky can one of you call the school and let them know Peter can’t come in today? He’s asleep on me so I don’t want to wake him up 

**Steve** : I’ll do it don’t worry 

**Tony:** thanks babe 

**Steve:** I-

**Bucky:** I have literally never seen him blush that hard 

**Tony:** ... 

**Bucky:** omg t o n y

**Tony:** What in the world was that sound he made

**Bucky:** I think you broke him 

**Tony:** wow I didn’t know Capsicle had a thing for pet names 

**Clint:** tmi guys seriously 

**Natasha:** Is everything okay with Peter? Why is he staying home? 

**Tony:** He’s not feeling great and didn’t get a lot of sleep yesterday, so we figured it would be better to keep him here then send him to school 

**Bucky:** Can we get an f in chat for Peter? 

**Clint:** f 

**Sam:** f 

**Thor:** f 

**Natasha:** f 

**Steve:** ... f? 

**Tony:** what the fuck... 

**Peter:** omg thanks guys 

**Tony:** Peter Benjamin Parker! You’re supposed to be asleep 

**Peter** : oh right 

**Peter:** you didn’t see anything


	3. What's a good response to being stabbed?

_ Superfamily group chat _

**Peter:** What’s a good response to being stabbed? 

**Tony:** Rude 

**Steve:** That’s fair 

**Peter:** Not again

**Bucky:** Are you gonna want this back or can I keep it?

**Peter:** omg 

**Peter** : Thanks y’all 

**Tony:** Wait why do you need to know this? 

**Tony:** Peter what do you mean ‘Not again’?! 

**Peter:** Sorry, no time to talk, people need saving. 

**Tony:** P e t e r 

_ later  _

**Peter:** So uh turns out

**Peter:** Muggers do not typically want to give you their knife after stabbing you

**Peter** : Who knew? 

**Bucky** : It’s in your body it’s yours now 

**Peter:** Well apparently they don’t see it that way 

**Bucky:** They can fight me 

**Peter:** mood Mr. Bucky 

**Steve:** Hey kid, why does it sound like you’re speaking from experience? 

**Peter:** Well... 

**Tony:** Peter what happened 

**Peter:** Don’t worry Mr. Stark, it’s not that bad

**Peter:** ‘Tis but a flesh wound 

**Tony:** I’m coming to get you 

**Peter:** No, Mr. Stark really I’m okay, don’t worry 

**Steve** : You were stabbed 

**Peter:** Yeah but like it’s not that bad 

**Tony:** You were s t a b b e d 

**Tony:** I am coming to get you

**Peter:** ... okay 

**Peter:** im sorry dad 

**Tony:** Just hold on for me kiddo, okay? I’ll be there before you know 

**Peter:** I will 

**Peter:** I love you 

**Tony:** I love you too Peter


	4. All superheros are queer

_ Twitter _

**Peter:** Hot take: If you’re a superhero, you’re queer 

**Peter:** Captain America? Bi

**Peter:** Falcon? Gay 

**Peter:** Black Widow? Asexual 

**Peter:** Bruce Banner? Trans and aromantic

**Peter:** Hawkeye? He’s gray aro and has the best jokes 

**Peter:** Iron Man? Bi 

**Peter:** Spider-Man? Trans, Bi, and Ace 

**Peter:** There are no straight cis superheroes sorry it’s just not possible

* * *

**Some rando:** But what about Thor?

**Peter:** Bold of you to assume Thor conforms to earth standards of sexuality

**Peter:** That being said, if you ask him he says that Pansexual is the closest word to describe him so he uses that 

**Peter:** Also Loki is genderfluid so like…


	5. What do Peter and math have in common?

**Peter:** “What do me and my math grade have in common today?”

**Peter:** “Neither one of us are passing and I want to yeet them both into the sun” 

**Tony:** _softly and deeply concerned_ “Peter what the fuck”

 **Peter:** "lol"

 **Tony:** _pulls Peter into a very tight hug_  "P e t e r"

**Peter** :  _ crying a little _ “I’m fine”

**Tony:** “no you’re not”

**Peter:** “no, im not”


	6. Bider-Man, Bider-Man

_ During Pride month, wearing a Bi colored Spider-suit _

**Peter:** “Bider-Man, Bider-Man. Does whatever a Bider can.”

**Tony:** “What‘s the difference between a Bider and Spider?”

**Peter:** “Well a Bider can do everything a spider does”

**Peter:** “Only a Bider does it twice””


	7. SBider-Man

_ Peter introducing himself during Pride month, wearing a Bi colored Spider-suit _

**Peter:** “My name is SBider-Man with a B and I’ve been afraid of insects-”

**Tony:** “Stop stop stop- Where’s the B?”

**Peter:** “There’s a Bee?”


	8. I'm the Rabbit

**Peter:** You know how sometimes there’ll be a pack of coyotes that are feasting on a rabbit and there’s always one small runt of a coyote that’s being kept from the meal? 

**Tony:** … yes? 

**Peter:** I’m like the rabbit. 

**Tony:** Peter I’m so concerned about you

**Peter:** I mean… same.


	9. Peter is Very Soft

**Peter:** It’s June which means that it’s Pride month, which means that anyone who misgenders me or uses the wrong pronouns owes me $50. Sorry I don’t make the rules, that’s just how things be. 

**MJ:** It’s Pride month which means anyone who misgenders Peter not only has to pay him but also I get to punch them in the face. 

**MJ:** The second part isn’t limited to June, I’ll punch anyone who misgenders you at any time. 

**Peter:** mj no 

**Ned:** MJ yes 

**Ned:** Do I also get to punch them? 

**MJ:** Obviously 

**Peter:** omg guyyyss 

**Ned:** Let us defend your honor

**MJ:** Someone has to because you won’t. 

**MJ:** You’re too nice 

**Peter:** I just want everyone to be my friend, that’s all. 

**MJ:** Peter, you are too precious for this world 

**Ned:** Let us protect you 

**Peter:** I love you guys. 

**MJ:** feeling’s mutual nerds

**Ned:** <3 <3 <3

**Peter:** ajkhdks

… 

**Tony:** Peter, are you crying? 

**Tony:** Did something happen, are you okay? 

**Peter:** akjhfdlskfkdj

**Peter:** MJ AND NED LOVE ME 

**Tony:** … Did you doubt that? 

**Peter:** NO BUT LIKE 

**Peter:** THEY CAN’T JUST DO THAT IN A CASUAL CONVERSATION MY HEART CAN’T TAKE IT 

**Tony:** I worry about you so much 

**Tony:** How have you survived this long, you are so soft. 

**Peter:** Everyone who meets me immediately decides to threaten anyone that tries to hurt me

**Tony:** Damn right we do. 


	10. I don't go looking for trouble

**Tony** : Why is it, whenever something happens, it’s always you three? 

**Peter** : Believe me, Mr. Stark, I’ve been asking myself that for years. 

**Ned** : It’s Peter’s fault 

**MJ** : He tries to save the world and we have to save him 

**Peter** :  _ Offended Spidey noises _

**Tony** : Yeah that tracks 

**Peter** :  _ louder offended Spidey noises _


	11. No one's going to arrest Captain America

**Bucky:** Has anyone seen Steve?

**Tony:** Or Peter for that matter?

**Clint:** What makes you think we know where they went?

**Natasha:** They left the tower two hours ago saying they had an “important mission” to accomplish

**Clint:** _ Nat  _

**Sam:** Isn’t there some kind of rally going on that started like just over an hour ago?

**Bucky:** oh no 

**Tony:** Why did you let them go?!

**Natasha:** Steve’s a big boy and can take care of himself 

**Bucky:** That is the exact opposite of the truth and you know it 

**Natasha:** yeah… 

**Natasha:** Honestly I just didn’t feel like it 

**Clint:** Besides no one is going to arrest Captain America he’ll be fine 

**Peter:** guys h e l p 

**Peter:** Mr. America just got arrested and I don’t know what to do 

**Bucky:** Jesus Christ 

**Tony:** Are you safe, Peter? 

**Peter:** yeah, I used my web slingers to get away but Mr. America wasn’t as fast and they got him 

**Tony:** Peter, get back to the tower. We’ll get Cap out, don’t worry 

**Peter:** haha kind of hard not to worry considering I’m 85% anxiety 

**Peter:** I mean what I’m totally fine

**Tony:** kid you’re going to be the death of me

**Bucky:** I don’t really want to ask this, but… 

**Bucky:** What exactly did Steve do to get arrested?

**Peter:** Oh we were punching Nazi’s at a rally 

**Peter:** Apparently the police don’t approve of that 

**Peter:** Well okay technically Mr. America was punching people. I was mostly throwing eggs 

**Peter:** Also that reminds me, we might be out of eggs in the tower 

**Bucky:** I’ll add it to the list 

**Clint:** Why eggs? 

**Natasha:** it’s more embarrassing than punching them 

**Peter:** also it’s a bigger inconvenience 

**Clint:** Peter I am so proud of you 

**Peter:** Thank you Mr. Hawkeye sir!! 

**Tony:** Don’t encourage him 

**Clint:** too late 


	12. Is Peter okay?

**Ned:** Do you think Peter has been doing okay recently? 

**MJ:** Why do you ask? 

**Ned:** Well… 

**Peter:** _ running after a garbage truck  _ Wait, you forgot me! 

**MJ:** He seems fine 


	13. Creepy Crawly Death Dealers

_ In the Superfamily group chat _

**Tony:** Peter, are you okay kiddo? 

**Bucky:** yeah that was a pretty loud scream 

**Peter:** h e l p

**Steve:** Where are you? 

**Peter:** living room 

**Peter:** please hurry

**Steve:** I’m almost there 

**Tony:** I’m on my way too 

**Bucky:** Peter where are you? Where’s the threat? 

**Peter:** it’s by the couch 

**Peter:** I’m on the ceiling 

**Peter:** It’s really big dad kill it

**Bucky:** I don’t see- 

**Steve:** Bucky?

**Peter:** fuck it moved 

**Tony:** What moved? 

**Steve:** Oh my god no

**Bucky:** STEVE KILL IT 

**Steve:** I-I-

**Peter:** D A D 

**Peter:** THIS IS SERIOUS

**Tony:** … What the hell did I just walk in to?

**Bucky:** STEVEN GRANT ROGERS YOU ABSOLUTE ASSHOLE 

**Bucky:** THIS ISNT FUNNY

**Tony:** Seriously what is happening?

**Peter:** THERE IS A CREEPY CRAWLY DEATH DEALER

**Tony:** Where is it? 

**Bucky:** I think it went under the couch 

**Tony:** The one you’re standing on?

**Bucky:** Oh  _ fuck  _

**Tony:** Also you realize spiders can climb so getting on top of something isn’t exactly going to save you

**Peter:** f u c k 

**Steve:** language 

**Peter:** Dad this is  _ not  _ the time 

**Peter:** This is a serious and stressful situation 

**Steve:** Kiddo, it’s just a spider 

**Bucky:** *Creepy Crawly Death Dealer

**Steve:** It’s not the end of the world 

**Peter:** says you

**Tony:** Okay children you can stop bickering the damn thing is dead 

**Steve:** _ language  _

**Peter:** are you sure? 

**Tony:** Positive 

**Peter:** thank you dad 

**Peter:** at least  _ one  _ of you was helpful 

**Peter:** Unlike Captain Dad 

**Tony:** There’s a reason I’m the Alpha Dad 

**Peter:** adjskfidj

**Bucky:** Nice going Tony you broke the kid 

… 

_ In the Avengers group chat  _

**Clint:** Do you ever walk into a room and immediately turn around and leave because you don’t want to deal with it?

**Natasha:** mood 

**Natasha:** What’s going on?

**Clint:** all I know is Peter is on the ceiling, Bucky is on the coffee table, both of them are screaming, Steve is laughing, and Tony looks a little dead inside 

**Natasha:** So how Tony always looks

**Clint:** Exactly 

**Natasha:** sounds like a normal day for the superfamily 

**Clint:** yeah okay fair 


	14. Peter really needs to stay away from knives

**Peter** : _fighting a mugger with a knife_

**Peter** : _jokingly_   What are you gonna do, stab me? 

* * *

  **Later**

* * *

 

**Peter** : I can’t believe they stabbed me! 

**Tony** : _with his head in his hands, having watched a playback of the entire exchange_ Peter what the fuck


	15. Ayyyysexual

**Peter** : Guess who just passed his math final?

**MJ:** I told you you’d be fine, nerd 

**Ned** : ayyyy Congrats dude! 

**Peter:** Thanks gays 

**Peter:** also Ned please don’t say ayyy

**MJ:** ayyy why not 

**Ned:** ayyyyyyy

**MJ:** ayyyyyyyyyyy

**Peter:** w h y 

**Ned** : I guess you could you’re 

**Ned** : ayyyysexual? 

**Peter:** thanks I hate it


	16. Avengers Vines Part One

_ Tony and Peter are arguing  _

**Tony: “** Okay, you know what? You're in timeout! Get on top of the fridge! Get up there!"  

**Peter:** _ webslings to the top of the fridge  _

**Peter:** This tower is a fucking nightmare!


	17. How Homecoming Should Have Happened

**Peter:** _ pinned underneath the warehouse after his fight with Vulture  _

**_Record scratch_ **

**_Freeze Frame_ **

**Peter:** Yep that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situation. 

**Peter:** Although if you know of my Parker luck, you’re probably a little less confused 


	18. Sometimes Peter forgets he's Spider-Man

_ In the PB N J Group Chat _

**Peter:** I wish there were queer superheroes :( 

**Ned:** You live in a tower full of queer superheroes 

**Peter:** !! oh yeah!!

**MJ:** Dork, you  _ are _ a queer superhero

**Peter:** _ oh yeah _


	19. "Dad, do you want to tell the Internet what you just did?"

_ In the kitchen, early morning  _

**Steve:** _ just woke up and is attempting to get the coffee creamer from the fridge _

**Steve:** _ accidentally pulls too hard and rips the door off the fridge  _

**Bucky:** _ also just woke up and does not function without coffee _

**Bucky:** _ staring at Steve in shock  _

**Bucky:** Holy shit how the fuck did you do that? 

**Steve:** _ equally as shocked _

**Steve:** I have no idea 

**Tony:** _ standing behind them on his 30th hour of no sleep, slowly sipping his coffee _

**Tony:** You’re both fucking super soldiers assholes 

* * *

**Clint:** _ walks in to see the fridge broken  _

**Clint:** I have no idea what happened, but I’m glad it wasn’t me who did it 

* * *

**Sam:** _ After he finds out about Steve ripping the door off the fridge  _

**Sam:** No offense, but that is the funniest fucking thing I have ever heard


	20. Bucky might need a hug

_ In the Superfamily group chat _

**Peter:** Dad just told me that people were like onions. 

**Peter:** You peel back the layers and cry because it’s empty inside

**Steve:** … 

**Tony:** Bucky, what the  _ fuck  _


	21. Yeet

**Peter:** _ sees Tony looking stressed and like he hasn’t slept in days _

**Peter:** _ points at Tony  _

**Peter:** That bitch empty 

**Tony:** _ looks at Peter confused  _

**Tony:** … what?

_ Suddenly the Avengers all appear out of nowhere and surround Tony in hugs  _

**Peter:** _ joining the others  _

**Peter:** yeet 


	22. More Good Responses To Being Stabbed

_ In the Avengers group chat _

**Peter:** Hypothetically, if you got stabbed, what would say?

**Tony:** please for the love of god tell me you haven’t been stabbed again

**Peter:** No! I just was wondering what everyone thought. You know, for science.

**Tony:** for  _ science? _

**Peter:** yeah

**Natasha:** laughter. Just, laugh in their face

**Loki:** oh no I’m allergic

**Thor:** Well, I guess it was  _ knife _ to meet you 

**Bruce:** Well this isn’t how I imagined my day going but who am I to complain? 

**Wanda:** Pull it out and hand it back to them and say “You dropped this.” 

**Sam:** Well it could be worse

**Clint:** Wouldn’t it have been funny if I just flew back like balloons do when you pop them? Can you even imagine? God. Just do it again, pretend the first time didn’t happen. Please. 

**Natasha:** he’s actually used that one I’ve seen it 

**Clint:** the look on their face is always priceless

**Peter:** omg

**Steve:** for the love of god please do not encourage him 

**Bucky:** the last time Peter asked us this he wound up getting stabbed 

**Peter:** look I’m in my room right now I literally cannot get stabbed right now 

**Tony:** g o o d


	23. Look That's Just How He Apologizes

_Thor and Loki started arguing a few days ago and haven’t made up yet_

**Loki:** _sneaking up behind Thor_

 **Loki:** _stabs Thor in the side_

 **Thor:** _looks up and grins_

 **Thor:** Ah, apology accepted brother

 **Thor:** _stands up and hugs Loki, much to Loki’s distaste_

...

 **Steve:**   _watching from a distance_

 **Steve:** _to himself_ He just fucking stabbed him??

 **Bucky:** Knives are a perfectly acceptable apology tool 

 **Steve:** Bucky n o


	24. Peter Parker I Swear To Fucking God

_ PB N J group chat  _

**Ned:** I just watched a video of Peter getting stabbed and his only response was “That’s unfortunate” 

**MJ:** Peter what the  _ fuck  _

**Peter:** I mean was I wrong? 

**Peter:** It  _ was  _ unfortunate 

**Ned:** Peter it’s a little more than unfortunate 

**Peter:** It wasn’t _that_ bad 

**MJ:** … Did you tell your dads?

**Peter:** … 

**MJ:** I gotta go

**Peter:** MJ NO

... 

_In the Superfamily group chat_

**Tony:**  PETER PARKER 

 **Tony:** I SWEAR TO FUCKING GOD 

 **Peter:** o h s h i t 


	25. Peter S t o p

_ In the Superfamily group chat _

**Peter:** … i might need help

**Tony:** Peter? What’s going on kid, what’s wrong? 

**Peter:** I’m sitting in a pool of blood 

**Bucky:** is it… your blood?

**Peter:** yes i think so 

**Steve:** Do you know where it’s coming from? 

**Peter:** probably the stab wound

**Tony:** Have you been stabbed?!

**Peter:** oh yeah definitely 

**Tony:** Why didn’t you lead with that?!

**Tony:** hold on, I’m going to be there as soon as I can 

**Bucky:** I mean in fairness shock is one hell of a drug 

**Peter:** I didn’t want to worry you 

**Tony:** Kid I’m always worried about 

**Steve:** We all are. 

**Tony:** Especially because you keep! getting! stabbed! 

**Peter:** not on purpose 

**Bucky:** stop getting near knives

**Peter:** but someone has to stop the bad guys 

**Tony:** Well you’re banned until I make your suit stab proof 

**Peter:** But- 

**Steve:** Not an argument Pete, you need to be safe

**Peter:** what are you going to do, wrap me in bubble wrap?

**Bucky:** if that’s what it takes 


	26. Loki's Advice

**Peter:** _ ranting to Loki about Flash _

**Peter:** He’s literally the biggest asshat in the world, Mr. Loki. He won’t leave me the fuck alone.

**Loki:** Have you tried killing him? It’s a wonderful solution to problems 

**Peter:** Mr. Loki!! I can’t just kill him!

**Loki:** Ah, of course. Would you like for me to kill him instead? 

**Peter:** Murder is not the answer for everything

**Loki:** not with that attitude it’s not


	27. How Avengers...

**Clint:** How Avengers eat breakfast 

**Clint:** Same as you, you idiot. First you get the bowl of cereal, then you climb on top of the fridge 

…

**Bruce:** How Avengers shower

**Bruce:** Same way you do. First we get nice and wet, then we get angry,

…

**Tony:** How  the Avengers end disputes 

**Tony:** _ to Steve _ You’re a fucking bitch you- 

**Steve:** _ overtop Tony  _ You’re an asshole and- 

**Clint:** _ shoots an arrow directly next to Tony’s head, then Steve’s. The two fall silent in shock.  _

… 

**Peter:** How Avengers pick up drugs 

**Peter:** _ walks up beside Steve, who is sitting on his motorcycle  _

**Peter:** Excuse me, do you have any illegal substances? 

**Steve:** _ confused and slightly concerned  _ What? 

…

**Bucky:** How Avengers say goodbye 

**Bucky:** _ slowly driving away  _ Bye. 

**Sam:** Goodbye 

**Bucky:** bye 

**Sam:** yeah bye 

**Bucky:** _ yelling  _ Goodbye! 

**Bucky:** _ muttering  _ prick 

… 

**Bucky:** The wildlife in New York can be very dangerous. If you feel threatened, take all safety precautions. 

**Bucky:** _ driving by Sam. Honks horn _

**Bucky:** Fuck off!


	28. *Concerned Spidey Noises*

**Peter:** _ concerned  _ Did you just refer to a knife as a people opener? 

**Loki:** Should I not have? 


	29. The Absolute Worse

_ PB N J group chat _

**Peter:** You know, MJ is the type of person who could kill me and I would think xem for it 

**Ned:** s a m e 

**Peter:** Xe are just so fucking cool and badass like,,, 

**Peter:** There’s not even words to describe xyr awesomeness

**Ned:** We got so fucking lucky 

**Peter:** y e s

**MJ:** you guys are nerds 

**MJ:** … love you 

**Peter:** Aww!!! <3

**Ned:** <3 <3 <3 

**Peter:** <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 

**Ned:** <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 

**Peter:** <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 

**MJ:** never mind you’re both the worst 


	30. The Avengers Share One (1) Braincell

**Peter:** This tower has one collective brain cell 

**Peter:** And usually Bucky has it. 

**Steve:** That’s…

**Steve:** That’s fair 

**Bucky:** Can I give it up please, I’m tired of being the responsible one?

**Tony:** Peter never has the brain cell which is why he keeps jumping out the window and getting stabbed 

**Peter:** Hey!!

**Peter:** I mean you’re not wrong

**Peter:** But still!!


	31. Totally Bucky

_ In the Superfamily Group Chat _

**Bucky:** One time, I was like lying on the couch, looking at, y'know nothing 

**Bucky:** And then this spider was like hanging above my head 

**Bucky:** And I was all "Ooh spider" 

**Bucky:** So I blew on it,

**Bucky:** And then the spider like, fell on my face 

**Bucky:** So I was all "Ah! Spider!" 

**Bucky:** And the spider was all "Ah! Bucky!" 

**Bucky:** And then I was all "Ah! Spider!" 

**Bucky:** And then like... 

**Bucky:** spider

**Steve:** ... 

**Tony:** ... 

**Peter:** It was me, I was the spider


	32. Peter Is A Dumb Fuck Sometimes But We Still Love Him

_ 4am in the PB N J Group Chat  _

**Peter:** Early morning before people wake up is such a weird time. 

**Peter:** like… everything is silent and its still both online and off and its just 

**Peter:** its like a special brand of off-putting and just lonely enough to make me want to cry 

**MJ:** Peter

**Peter:** oh im sorry mj i didnt mean to wake you up 

**Peter:** i started typing before my brain caught up and realized you were probably asleep 

**Peter:** ill shut up now i promise sorry 

**MJ:** You’re an idiot, Parker 

**Peter:** sorry i-

**MJ:** I’m coming over to cuddle the fucking shit out of you 

**Peter:** oh

**Peter:** wait i mean no MJ it’s fine im fine its just a weird time of night 

**MJ:** I’m already on my way 

**Ned:** Same. You better be ready to let us inside when we get there 

**Peter:** … 

**Peter:** I love you guys

**Peter:** thank you 

**Ned:** We’re always going to be here for you Peter. No matter what time it is. 

**MJ:** Time is fake anyways 

**MJ:** Also my mom asked me where I was going so early and when I told her my boyfriend was lonely and needed comfort she just gave me the keys to her car and went back to bed 

**MJ:** Ned you want a pick up?

**Ned:** Fuck yeah

**Ned:** Peter I hope you’re ready for us to cuddle the shit out of you

**Peter:** i cant stop crying so im definitely very much ready 

**Ned:** why?

**Peter:** … my dads have been gone since thursday and i havent seen y’all since friday and it’s sunday morning and ive mostly been in my room all alone bc i hyperfocused and lost track of time 

**Peter:** basically im v touch starved and haven’t seen another human in too long

**Ned:** … yeah we’re definitely not going to let go of you all day I hope you’re ready 

**Peter:** please 

**Peter:** I love you guys so much

**Ned:** <3 We love you too Peter. 

**Ned:** And based on MJ’s driving, we’ll be there soon

**Peter:** please tell xem to be safe, ill be okay waiting a little longer 

**Ned:** Xe just laughed and said “No” and now I think xe is driving faster 

**Peter:** what an icon 

**Peter:** im torn between worried and feeling overwhelmingly loved xe care so much

**Ned:** Peter I swear to god-

**Peter:** what? 

**Ned:** MJ just said “Tell Peter’s he’s a dumb fuck”

**Ned:** “Also that we love him anyways” 

**Ned:** Which is true we love you a lot 

**Peter:** but im a dumb fuck? 

**Ned:** sometimes 

**Peter:** fair

**Ned:** akshskabs Peter!!


	33. Like Father(s), Like Son

**Steve:** Hey Tony, I love you

**Tony:** That’s a horrible idea. 0/10 do not recommend.

* * *

**Steve:** Bucky, I love you

**Bucky:** No don’t do that

* * *

**Bucky:** I love you Stevie

**Steve:** …  _ why _

* * *

**Ned:** I love you 

**Ned:** <3

**Peter:** I am so sorry


	34. Some Husbands Send Texts Like “I love you” or “How are you”. I Send Ones Like This

_ Texting Steve _

**Bucky:** Hey, remember how you told me to close my drawers because the bureau might fall over?

**Bucky:** Well long story short, everyone is fine and I need a new bureau


	35. Time To Yeet

_ PB N J Group Chat _

**Peter:** I accidentally just said “It’s time to yeet” instead of “It's time to eat” and I’m my own mood

**MJ:** oh my god 

**MJ:** I hate you 


	36. Peter Stark

**Tony:** _introducing Peter to a group of people_

**Tony:** And this is my son, Peter Stark 

 **Peter:**... 

 **Peter:** Excuse me, I just have to... 

**Peter:** _walks out of the room and screams_

**Peter:**   _comes back in the room wiping his eyes_

 **Tony:**   _totally oblivious of his slip_

 **Tony:** Kiddo, is everything okay? 

 **Peter:** _crying_ Everything is perfect, dad. Just... it's great 

 **Tony:**... okay...


	37. Okay Google

_ In the PB N J group chat _

**Peter:** Okay google, how do I stop my emotions before I start crying

**MJ:** easy

**MJ:** Don’t have emotions 

**Ned:** M J n o 

**Peter:** lol wish that was possible

**Peter:** even just turning down emotions once in a while would be nice 

**Peter:** like! right! Now!

**Ned:** I mean you could just cry and let your emotions out

**Peter:** *scoffs*

**Peter:** I can’t just have a breakdown right  _ now  _

**Peter:** We have school

**MJ:** shove your emotions in a closet and tell them you’ll deal with them when you have the time

**Peter:** well I  _ am  _ familiar with closets…

**Peter:** thanks MJ 

**Ned:** that’s… 

**Ned:** why would you encourage him 

**MJ:** emotions suck 

**MJ:** repression can help 

**Ned:** _ MJ no  _


	38. Reasons Peter Can't Be Spider-Man

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He falls out of too many windows

**Peter:** _ comes home limping his arms/face covered in scratches and dried blood _

**Tony** :  _ already calling his suit _ Who the fuck did this and where can I find them? 

**Peter:** Dad, no wait, it’s fine really I just... 

**Peter:** _blushing, slightly embarrassed_ Ned and I were having a tickle fight and I kind of fell out the window and into a bush 

**Peter:** I swear I’m totally fine, it was just an accident 

**Tony:** _stares at Peter for a long moment and then sighs heavily_ Kid what the actual fuck-


	39. Please Hug Him

**Ned:** Do you ever want to talk about your emotions, MJ?

**MJ:** I don’t have emotions

**Peter:** I do

**Ned:** I know Peter

**Peter:** I’m sad 

**Ned:** I know, Peter


	40. Avengers As Vines Part 3

**Peter:** Dad look it’s the good kush

**Tony:** This is the dollar store, how good can it be? 

* * *

**Steve:** _ standing behind the compound with his shield  _

**Steve:** _ throws his shield, which curves and breaks a window  _

**Bucky:** _ filming  _ What the fuck, Steven?

* * *

**Peter:** _ gesturing to a living room full of the Avengers _

**Peter:** Look at all those chickens

* * *

 

**Peter** :  _ drops down from the ceiling in front of Bucky _

**Peter:** Boo 

**Bucky** :  _ jumps _

**Bucky** : Stop, I could have dropped my croissant


	41. Predictions For Falcon and Winter Solider

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Disney should hire me to write this show, I have it all figured out

**What I hope the plot of the show is:** “Sam and Bucky are roommates”

* * *

**Bucky:** Alright let's tell each other a secret about ourselves.

**Bucky:** I’m gonna go first.

**Bucky:** I  _ hate  _ you

* * *

**Bucky:** What the fuck is up Sam? 

**Bucky:** No what did you say dude? What the fuck dude?

**Bucky:** Step the fuck up, Sam.

* * *

**Sam:** Oh I just can’t wait to beat your ass 

**Sam:** That’s right bitch. I’m coming-

* * *

**Bucky:** Go suck a dick, suck a dick, suck a motherfucking dick.

**Sam:** Suck a huge or small-

* * *

_ Someone asks Sam and Bucky to explain their relationship _

**Sam:** We're Frenemies

**Bucky:** We like disliking one another. Yes we're frenemies.

**Sam:** He's like my least favorite brother

* * *

**Sam:** _ talking on the phone to Bucky  _

**Sam:** And you had sex with him how many times? 

**Sam:** Hmm. Yeah. That’s technically not a bromance.


	42. Avengers As Vines Part 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I've watched too many vines recently, this is what you get

**Bucky:** Hi thanks for checking in I’m 

**Bucky:** _ still a piece of garbage _

* * *

**_Captain America: Civil War_ **

**Tony:** I saw you hanging out with Bucky yesterday 

**Steve:** Tony it’s not what you think 

**Tony:** I won’t hesitate bitch

* * *

**Bucky:** Did you hang out with Sam last night?

**Steve:** You know, yeah, I did 

**Bucky:** Oh I love Sam

**Steve:** You hate Sam-

**Bucky:** Yeah no  _ shit _ , Honey!

* * *

**Peter:** I’m drinking a Mountain Dew past midnight. I’m not going to be able to sleep tonight

**Peter:** I don’t give a f-shit. 

* * *

**Ned:** Hey you got anything to eat? 

**Peter:** I got noodles

**Ned:** Hey you don’t have any tissue

**Peter:** I have noodles 

**MJ:** How are you living?

**Peter:** I’m not

* * *

**Peter:** _ filming Sam and Bucky from the compound window _

**Peter:** Two bros, chillin' in a hot tub

**Peter:** Five feet apart cause they hate each other 

* * *

_ About the accords  _

**Steve:** How do you know what’s good for me?

**Tony:** That’s my opinion! 

* * *

**Peter:** _ crying  _ I just realized I’m broke

**MJ and Ned are laughing in the background**

**Peter:** And they’re laughing at me 

* * *

**Ned:** Hey how much money do you have?

**Peter:**  .69 cents 

**Ned:** Oh, you know what that means? 

**Peter:** _ upset  _ I don’t have enough money for chicken nugget 

* * *

**Thor:** Let me see what you have!

**Loki:** A knife!

**Peter, watching as Thor chases Loki:** Oh my god why does he have a knife?

* * *

**Tv:** It’s back to school time. 

**Peter:** _ standing in the middle of the road  _

**Peter:** _ yelling  _ Hit me! Hit me with your car!

* * *

**Thor:** _ picks up Loki  _

**Thor:** This bitch empty 

**Thor:** _ throws Loki at enemies on the battlefield  _ Yeet!


	43. A Genius But With Like Two Brain Cells

**MJ** :  _ talking to Peter   _

**MJ:** You have two brain cells but one of them is really smart.

**MJ:** unfortunately, the other is a complete and total dumbass and is usually in charge


	44. Casual Self Loathing With Peter Parker

**Peter** : Flash is always like “oh I hate Peter Parker so much, I think he’s such an asshole”

**Peter** : Like bitch me too, you ain’t fucking special, get in line

**Tony:** …  _ kid  _

**Peter:** If you hate yourself the most no one can hurt you  _ dabs  _

**Tony:** _ that’s not how it works  _


	45. Avengers As Starkid Quotes

**Loki:** You'd think killing people would make them like you, but it doesn't, it just..... it just makes them dead!

…

**Peter:** Oh my god, I have to fight the Avengers? I don't think I can do that morally... 

…

**Peter:** It was left to me by my dad, my dad that's dead. My father is dead. I have a dead father.

…

**Bucky:** I don't know man... Sam Wilson, he's pretty awesome... NOT! He sucks.

…

_ In the Avengers group chat _

**Bucky:** I love you all.

**Bucky:** Except you Sam, I can't fucking stand you.

…

**Tony:** Michelle Jones!  When one of yous has a problem, that means all three of yous has got a problem. 

**Tony:** What would Zac Efron say in a time like this!?! 

**Peter:** _ singing  _ We're all in this together…

…

**Tony:** Peter, you little  _ Shit! _

…

**Loki** : Could you argue that this was my fault?

**Tony** : Absolutely.

**Steve** : Yes.

**Loki** : Yeah... that would be a safe argument.

…

**Peter:** Calculus was tough!

…

**Peter** : Ned, you just stared down a gigantic spider and in my book that makes you a tough son of a bitch.

**Ned** : Thank you, Peter, I am a tough bitch.

…

**Tony:** Avengers, I want every single one of you to get back to your dormitories, right now, and take a bubble bath! We deserve bubbles on our skin.

…

**Peter:** I lost a shoe two months ago. I didn't say anything about it and no one asked me, so... I've been walking around with one shoe.

**Peter:** If someone were to ask me, Where's your shoe? I'd say, I don't know. Because at this point, I honestly don't.

**Peter:** I mean, I remember where it was when I threw it off the quinjet. 

**Peter:** But I mean, it bounced for a little bit and I kind of put my hand out and pointed at it, but no one said anything so I just put my hand down and forgot about it, man. All I know is that shoe bounced pretty good.

…

**Steve:** We got work to do 

**Tony:** I don't really wanna do the work today

**Peter:** _ joining in  _ I don't really wanna do the work today

**Bucky and Clint:** _ also joining in  _ I don't really wanna do the work today

**All the Avengers:** I don't wanna do the work today

**Steve:** _ heavy sigh  _ Why do I bother?

…

**Peter:** Yes! I do have the magical ability to talk to spiders! 

…

**Peter:** Wait, you know my secret identity?

**MJ:** _ raises one eyebrow  _ It’s a secret?

…

**Peter:** Like my soul, the banana, was bruised and black

… 

**Peter:** Who is Tony Stark? 

**Tony:** Good question kid.

… 

**Tony:** _to Steve_ Why should I help you? 

**Tony:** You beat me up and you yelled at me! 

 

…

**Peter:** I was prepared to die to save these people 

**Villain:** But you didn’t 

**Peter:** Yes but I meant to.

_ later _

**Tony:** What did you mean you  _ meant to?  _

**Peter:** s h i t

… 

**Bucky** :  _ trying to cheer up Steve _

**Bucky** : I know just how great you are and I think I speak for all of us

**Bucky** :  _ to the Avengers _ Okay assholes, say something nice. 

**Bucky** : Or I will kill you.

**Peter** : You’re the coolest dude around!

**Sam** : You’ve never let me down.  

**Bucky** :  _ threateningly _ Take a good look in the mirror

**Tony** : Uh you’re an awesome guy 

**Bucky** : And the reason why 

**All** : Everyone one of us is here


	46. No It's Okay

**Someone** : Sir, you’re really not supposed to have that here

**Bucky:** _flipping a knife casually in his hands_ No it’s okay, this is my emotional support knife


	47. How Tony Gets Peter To Sleep

**Tony:** Peter you have to start sleeping a normal amount 

**Peter:** woah who are you, the sleep police?

**Tony:** Do you know what sleep deprivation causes?

**Peter:** Brilliance?

**Tony:** A shorter life span, Peter

**Peter:** nice  _ dabs  _

**Tony:** Do you know what’s going to happen? You’re going to die before me and then I’ll be sad. Is that what you want, Peter? To make me sad? 

**Peter:** …

**Peter:** Oh my god, Mr. Stark, I didn’t think of that. I’m so sorry


	48. Avengers As Vines Part ??

_ The Avengers are trying to help Peter with his math homework.  _

**Tony:** Okay, so Bucky has 19 bottles of dish soap and he gives-

**Sam:** Wait why does Bucky have so many soaps in the first place?

**Bucky:** Mind yo business Sam, why are you worrying about it, it’s my life! Damn!

**Tony:** Are y’all done? Alright so let me finish up the problem, please. 

**Tony:** Alright so Bucky has 19 bottles of dish soap and gives Steve 6. How many bottles of dish soap would Bucky have left? 

**Bucky:** Six? I’m not even giving him one! He ain’t paying for none of this. 

**Bucky:** Hey Steve? Step your ass back! 

**Tony:** Hey Bucky! Give him the dish soaps. It’s in the problem. 

**Peter:** _ hanging from the ceiling as he watches them argue  _

**Peter:** This is entirely unhelpful but so much more fucking fun.


	49. In This House

_ In the Avengers group chat _

**Peter** : 

┏┓ 

┃┃╱╲ In this 

┃╱╱╲╲ house 

╱╱╭╮╲╲ we love 

▔▏┗┛▕▔ & appreciate 

╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲ 

         Tony Stark

╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲ 

▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔

**Bucky** : rt

**Bruce** : rt

**Natasha** : rt

**Steve** : I have no idea what that means but hard agree

**Rhodey** : The Spidey-Kid is out here speaking truths tonight 

**Tony** : ... 

_ Tony Stark has left the chat _

**Peter** : D a d n o


	50. He's??? Not dead???

**Bucky:** Steve was like the hench version of Uncle Sam. 

 **Steve:** Hench? 

 **Sam:** Was? 

 **Bucky:** Yeah

 **Sam:** He's??? Not dead??? 

 **Bucky:** _looks into the camera_ Are you sure about that? 

 **Steve:** No Bucky's right, I've been dead pretty much all of my life

 **Steve:** dead inside 

 **Bucky:** Big mood 

 **Sam:** You two need to stop


	51. No One Gets To Insult Bucky But Steve

**Bucky** : _About Steve_  He May be a pain in the ass

**Bucky** : But he’s  _ my  _ pain in the ass


	52. Surprise, You're A Dad

**Tony** : Peter isn’t my kid 

**Steve** : I mean... 

**Clint** : Tony, how can we tell you this... 

**Natasha** : Surprise, you’re a father


	53. I Really Want Bucky And Sam To Be Roommates

**Sam:** _ is in the shower _

**Bucky:** _ pulls back the curtain _

**Bucky:** Hey are we- Stop screaming it’s just me- Are we out of milk?

* * *

**Sam** :  _ is sleeping _

**Bucky** :  _ flinging open his door at 3am _

**Bucky** : Hey are we- Stop screaming it’s just me- Are we out of plums? 

**Sam** : Bucky what the  _ fuck _ ?!

* * *

**Bucky** :  _ opening the door while Sam is using the bathroom _

**Bucky** : Hey have you- Stop screaming it’s just me- Have you seen the shield, Fury needs Captain America

* * *

**Sam** :  _ walking to the fridge at 4am for a drink _

**Bucky** :  _ sitting on top of the fridge _

**Bucky** : Hey do you- Stop screaming it’s just me- do you want come with me to kick Steve’s ass for being a bitch?


	54. It's Just Unnecessary

**Bucky:** _ holding a cardboard cut out of Falcon _

**Bucky:** _ while making eye contact with Sam, as the other Avengers argue around them  _

**Bucky:** Fuck you, Sam Wilson

**Bucky:** _ snaps the cutout over his knee without breaking eye contact  _

**Sam:** Oh come on now


	55. School Is Kicking Peter's Ass

**Peter:** I have one brain cell and it can’t come to the phone right now.

 


	56. So I've Been Watching Iron Man: Armored Adventures

**Peter:** _ in the middle of being chased  _

**Peter:** _ pauses to catch his breath  _

**Peter:** I think I’ve lost them

_ Immediately the bad guys run around the corner  _

* * *

**Peter:** _ slightly annoyed, to MJ and Ned  _

**Peter:** I promise I will help you on this project if I live 

* * *

**Peter** : Ned, I won’t lie to you. I’m not in the bathroom

**Ned** : no fucking shit

* * *

**Bucky:** _ to Steve  _ You unbelievable idiot what did you do?

* * *

**Steve:** _ to the Avengers, right before he does something stupid  _

**Steve:** I’ll let you know when I’m done. Unless I blow up.

* * *

**Tony:** I’m not going to see you on the news again, am I?

**Peter:** Not if you don’t watch it

* * *

**News Reporter:** Winter Soldier, do you have a statement for the public?

**Bucky:** _ sipping a Starbucks and peering over the edge of his sunglasses  _

**Bucky:** Yeah. I have a metal arm. And you don’t.

**Bucky:** _ rolls away in his heelys before they can ask any more questions  _


End file.
